My masculinity

Being in doubt about my masculinity always produced an awful feeling of fear deep inside. A feeling I kept hidden, negated and repressed. Imagine being a man and in the eyes of other men and women...not being a masculine man! Imagine the constant fear and sometimes the panic!

Aproaching the age of seventy I look back and feel blessed with my journey of personal development.
A while ago I met my friend Hilda and her new partner Charles. A few years ago I got to know Hilda at the start of a Tai Chi course and since then we both enjoy attending the classes.
Shaking hands with Charles I asked him when he would be joining us for Tai Chi classes.
He averted his eyes, smiled awkwardly and answered: "I do not have any tights".
Having exchanged some small-talk I walked on, thinking about what Charles had said.
In his eyes and body language I had noticed the fear of a shy man.
For him practicing Tai Chi is something for sissies and the last thing he wants, is to look like a sissy. He wants to be considered a real man. Obviously he did not know that Tai Chi is a form of disguised martial arts. Later I saw Charles driving what could be called a "special" red car with a fancy steering wheel, lots of stickers, a noisy exhaust pipe, white stripes running over the red body and large tyres.
It reminded me of the question a former girlfriend once asked me:What is the difference between men and boys? Her answer was: The price of their toys. She also knew the expresssion: The larger the tyres of a man s car, the smaller his balls. Quite a girl she was.

Are You Man Enough? is a question most of us get asked, somewhat regularly, during the major part of our lives. A man's masculinity can be questioned anywhere, by almost anyone, for almost anything: backing down from a fight, joining a Tai Chi class, not driving a 4X4, adopting an unpopular opinion, expressing feelings, not liking dirty jokes, not eating meat, not driving a noisy Harley Davidson motor cycle, not smoking or ordering a non alcoholic drink.

Research tells us this kind of pressure starts during elementary school, continues into a man's adult life and it never entirely goes away. Remember actor Jack Palance proving that he was still manly by doing one armed push ups when he received an Oscar at age 73?

We might ask WHY the pressure is always on? but that seems obvious. It is about proving that I am one of the guys. As human beings we need to feel like we belong to a group. Proving that we fit in and that we are masculine enough to hang out with the guys. And the (false) masculine image of "the guys" is being pushed down our throats by the media.
Let me ask you: Can you give me a few examples of real men?
I will answer the question for myself. Examples of real men are for me: Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Nelson Mandela.

Research tells us that most men think they are not as masculine as other men they know, and most men do not think they are as masculine as they ought to be.
A long time ago it came as a surprise to me when my girlfriend and future wife said she felt attracted to me because I was such a masculine man. Strangely enough at the same time I was thinking I was NOT masculine enough. In order to suppress that feeling of not being masculine enough I felt compelled to do very "masculine" things like, driving big and expensive cars, run a marathon, climb mountains, practice rock climbing, ride extra long trips on a bicycle, descend wild water rivers in a kayak, never cry or show my true feelings.

Since my initiation in the ManKindProject I have learned to embrace the real sacred masculinity of my true self. It is not about pretending something or imitating an artificial image put forward by the media. It is certainly not about driving a 4X4 car to the office or to the supermarket. It is about being a warrior of the heart willing to work with everything I kept hidden, everything I negated and repressed for the major part of my life. It is about accountability and integrity. It is about clear action in the community in order to change the world, one man at the time. Which man? Myself.