Hang my head in shame?

Copied this text on 27.07.2012 from the MKP-UK mailing list for Elders.

As a young man I didn’t think much of my elders. We were going to build a whole new world. 

A just world. A fair world. A world free of war, and greed, and famine. 

A world, a society that bonded with nature and honoured our planet.

And what were the messages that I got?

"Get a hair cut!". 

"I remember when boys looked like boys and girls looked like girls". 

"We didn’t have it so easy". 

"When I was a lad…". 

"A good bit of military discipline. That’ll sort you out, boy!"

They thought Vietnam was a good idea, the Russians didn’t love their children, and we certainly shouldn’t waste our time  exploring such things as God, Life and our place in it all. They thought it perfectly acceptable to trash the planet and whole nations in pursuit of their greed. 

And that discipline was about fear, and not about choice.

And we, we were going to build something different. But we didn’t, did we?

As I watch the news, more and more of the movers and shakers, the people with power and responsibility

are YOUNG PEOPLE. My time is gone, it seems, and what did we build?

To me, it seems like the planet is in an even worse state. Wars have increased, and got messier. 

They pollute even more and while military casualties have decreased, the casualty rate amongst non-combatants has multiplied alarmingly.

We have a prominent politician talking openly about ‘our broken society’, and with some validity.

What we have done to nature itself doesn’t bear speaking about. 

And cancers multiply, while it’s now normal for old people to lose their marbles.

I remember Edmund Burke, and his 

"All that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing", 

and I hang my head in shame.

And now, everywhere I go, I meet young people that have no doubt that what we have built is being and will be dismantled and that what they are going to create in its place is a just and fair society, a sustainable and nurturing society.And I want to offer them something different to what I received as a young man from my "elders". 

Respect is something to be earned and not demanded. 

What am I going to do to be a man that the ‘Youngers’ in my life respect? 

A man whose vision, wisdom and depth of experience they value? 

And actively seek out? 

Well, my guess is that being a grumpy old man, continually complaining about how the world has changed in ways I didn’t want it to, and asking time and time again "WHY DO THEY wear their trousers round their thighs?" just isn’t going to cut it. 

I need to get off my stuff, deal with my pain, my loss and my shame, and BE THERE FOR THEM. Acknowledge them, encourage them, and BLESS them. And, I think, when things don’t work out for them, tell them my story. Tell it in a way that doesn’t say, "you should, you should have, you shouldn’t have". 

But rather – 

"These are the mistakes I made, this is what I learned, and this is what I did with that learning". And most importantly – "There might be something in this for you – There might not. And I trust you to choose the relevance." 

Trust. Respect. Encouragement. What I might have done had I been given more of that.

So here we are. "The 50’s are the new 40’s", they say. 

I am old enough not to have the energy and the enthusiasm (along with the complete (apparent) lack of fear!) that I used to have. But there's still life in the old dog yet. Still, it’s "them" that are building a new society, not "us". 

I live in a culture that honours youth above all things, that seeks to sideline us, wrap us up and push us off to play with our toys and our free bus passes and then quietly find a way somewhere, out of sight and out of mind, to shuffle off this mortal coil. There is much I don’t have any more. Much that is better done by younger men and women, free from some of the constraints, the thinking, and the wounding I carried. 

But there is much I didn’t have that I now possess in growing abundance. So much still to offer. I want to see the Elders and the Youngers ending their war and joining together in a potent partnership. I believe our planet, our society and our grandchildren deserve it. Need it. Are hungry for it.

But first we need to become respect-able. Become the ones that they will seek out.

THE TIME IS NOW. WE ARE THE ONES

WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR.

The L.A.M.B process

A "true" elder is able to bless all the time.
The LAMB process is helpful to me staying in that mode.
It stands for *Listen, Admire, Model,* and *Bless.

Listen *with an intent to learn and be helpful.  
What is going on for the other?

*Admire* this person and let them know it.  
What do you see that you want for yourself? *

Model* the behavior you think will be helpful for this person.
What of your true feelings and judgments will help this person?

*Bless* this person for his efforts and successes.
What is important to him?

Care-Taking versus Caring for

Thanks to the help of an English MKP Brother, I found this text on www.deepeningrelationships.com I recognize that I wanted to have this text on my own blog.  
Care-Taking vs Caring For

 I have a part of me that is a care-taker. Which is why when I meet other care-takers, I can get triggered and irritated by them. Let’s unpack this care-taker thing since it’s one of the most common relationship issues. There is very little room for pain and suffering in our culture because the cultural message is “It’s not okay to feel.” So, we stuff our feelings and traumas, meanwhile we are deeply hurting inside. Then, we posture over this and act like everything’s fine because another cultural norm we have is to be strong, independent and self-reliant. Better not show our vulnerability… So naturally, when someone bursts and falls apart, some of us come to the rescue (others run away). But we do this not necessarily because we care. Many of us come to the rescue because we can’t tolerate our experience seeing another person in pain. So we help them in order to get them back to their happy place so we can diminish our own discomfort. Others of us come to the rescue to get love, approval, and validation.

 If you can relate to this and have a care-taker living inside of you, think about it in your own life. When a close friend or lover is struggling, does the care-taker in you mobilize and assume your struggling friend needs something like a hug, help, or support of some kind and do you take it upon yourself to rescue, help, or save the day? Or are you able to stay in your center and support them from a “clean” place if they need it?

There are three primary reasons I care-take:

1. Fear of feeling uncomfortable feelings in my own experience

2. Fear of losing relationship (loss)

3. To get approval (gain)

For example, when I was a boy, if I didn’t do some form of care-taking (mostly with my mom), then I was brushed off, rejected, abandoned, shamed, and even humiliated. When I did care-take, I was rewarded with love, connection, praise, and was a “good little boy” (this is the approval part). So, as an adult, if I risk not care-taking and instead I’m willing to be myself, I am faced with the childhood fear of losing relationship forever. To trust you will be okay with your pain, goes against everything I learned as a child.

Lately, the care-taker part in me is in the background, yet I see how with certain personality types, he comes out. I notice how I’d rather withhold my truth as I don’t want to upset the other person so as to avoid my own discomfort. In doing this, I maintain a status-quo relationship where I’m not really being myself.

So, what to do?

For me, the work is learning how to care for someone, hold my center, attend to my own discomfort and genuinely be there for them, while not needing anything in return. Here’s a helpful distinction between care-taking versus “caring for” someone. Care-taking is trying to make someone feel better because you want to be liked by them, or your desire to help them is coming from your own fear/discomfort and your desire to “get rid of” the uncomfortable feelings in yourself seeing them in pain. The underlying message you are sending is something like “I don’t trust you can take care of yourself. You need me and my help.” This can prop you up and make you feel valued by being such a “caring” person. You “get” some validation by giving and you enjoy that, even to the point of feeling proud. They can end up feeling slimed or like something is “off” in the interaction. Not clean. The care-taker often shows up as an enabler, giver, savior or rescuer. In enneagram terms, the care-taker is the number 2. The care-takers are often out of touch with their own needs, so they indirectly get their unmet needs met through giving. Chogyam Trungpa called care-taking "Idiot Compassion".

Caring for is helping or serving someone because you genuinely feel love and care for them. You genuinely trust they don’t “need” you or your specific help but you feel called to “be there” for them. You don’t lose yourself in your caring of them. In fact, you don’t even need to do anything (although you might) because how you feel inside sends the message of “I accept you and love you through this.” They end up feeling held and cared about by you. Clean.

Check yourself on this one.

Next time someone in your life is challenged, notice your response. Do you want to rescue them? Do you feel called to help because you want to silence the discomfort going on? Do you get a quick hit of approval having offered yourself to them? Lastly, what is the cost of your care-taking-behavior? Are you actually less available to your friends and loved ones because you are so busy taking care of everyone? And, how are you with receiving support? Do you really let others help you out or are you always the helper? Any resentments there? If we want to learn a new way to care for someone, it helps to understand why we care-take. What drives this behavior in each of us and is it really serving us and those we care about? Once we understand our motives, and the cost of our behavior, we have the power to choose a direction that is in alignment with who we really are.